What To Do When They Just Don’t “Get It”

I’ve blogged about this before, but I feel like it needs another moment in the spotlight. If you’re a busy mom and you try something new or different – a new haircut, a different shade of lipstick, wanting a new career, or starting a health/weight loss journey – you may not have the support you THINK you will.

It might be a co-worker, your spouse, your children, a sibling, or a friend who makes a comment.

“Why did you order the salad? Are you trying to lose weight, or something?”

“What did you do to your hair?”

“I don’t like that color on you. You should change it back.”

“What do you mean, you want to try photography? You already have a full-time job. How are you going to do both?”

Most of the time, these comments aren’t meant to be hurtful. They’re coming from a place of confusion because not everyone understands you’re looking for something deeper, more meaningful, or you’re simply not happy with the status quo.

Sometimes the people in our lives, especially those closest to us (spouse, children, family), think it’s a direct commentary on THEM. You wanting to make changes must mean you’re not happy with THEM, somehow.

I have a friend who did a lot of work to lose weight, and her husband was furious about it. He was very happy with their life as it was, and her changes in movement, eating, and simply wanting to be more active upset him.

I think part of it was guilt.

She put in effort, and he sat in the recliner. He wasn’t a bad guy, either. He worked, he was a good dad, he helped around their house. But she took walks while he watched TV. She watched her portions while he had second helpings.

Their values no longer aligned. She wanted to pursue curiosity and self-improvement, and he simply wanted contentment.

So, what are some things you can do if you find yourself in a situation where someone in your life doesn’t understand or support the changes you’re trying to make?

First, you need to ask yourself how important your goals are and what is your commitment level? If a co-worker comments on your haircut, is that going to have you returning to the salon to change it back? For most of us, that’s probably a NO. We’re not changing our hair back just because “Karen” has an issue with it.

However, if you’re determined to bring a healthy lunch from home every day and your coworkers comment that you’re not participating in group lunch outings anymore, or you’re disrupting the work dynamic, that might add more pressure and make you second-guess your commitment level.

Second, an honest conversation may be necessary. I’m not suggesting you need to have a confrontation with every friend/coworker/family member when you make a change, but sometimes, a simple, “What’s going on?” when a comment is made can clear things up and avoid drama. For bigger changes – healthier lifestyle, new hobbies, changing jobs/careers – those are conversations that should actually take place early on. While it might not be other people’s business that you want to make changes, talking about it with those closest to you can help mitigate disruptions or hurt feelings about not being included.

Again, the choices are ultimately yours, but IF your changes are going to have an impact on others lives or a familiar dynamic between you, it’s best to try talking about it first so they aren’t blindsided by the shift.

Third, you need to look at your support system. Who do you have in your life that will encourage you and have your back no matter what? In my friend’s case, while her husband didn’t support the changes happening, her coworkers and sister did support her. They were encouraging and lifted her up when her husband would complain. Not everyone will understand or get it, but having at least one person in your life to tell you, “You’ve got this”, can be a tremendous boost. (This is also where having a health coach can be a HUGE benefit.)

Finally, you might need to find additional resources for support. As previously mentioned, a health coach can be a great supporter and guide on your journey. A dietician or nutritionist, personal trainer or fitness instructor, an online group, or in-person groups are all great resources. You don’t need an additional support system for a haircut or changing lipstick shades, but if you’re making changes that have a larger impact on your life as a whole, getting support from outside your immediate circle might be necessary.

Overall, whatever changes you make to improve your health and wellness will have a long-term positive impact, regardless of the short-term pains to get there. Having support is necessary to stick with it. And even if it doesn’t come from where you’re expecting, it’s still important to make sure you’ve got someone in your corner to lean on when you need the support, encourage when you’re struggling, and celebrate with you when you’re accomplishing your goals!

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